“I would have let him go one finger at a time, until, without his realizing, he’d be floating without me. And then I thought, perhaps that is what it means to be a parent — to teach your child to live without you.”
Beautifully put in words by Nicole Krauss.
It’s been eleven years since I initially left home to pursue higher education, and gradually settled for the job. I hardly realized that it was not only me who was sad or howled madly leaving home the first time, my parents too were left upset and lonely. They suffered more than I did. As an adult eventually, you understand and feel the pain, you see it under their eyes, and their saggy skin and wrinkled faces make you realize that yes, they are too growing old. Their changing voice and decreasing stamina alarm your mind, and there and then it hits you. You have emptied their nest. Sinking fear and hollowness traps your mind and you come with a jerk realizing this is the ultimate truth of life. More than a truth it is a universal fact that one has to go, and nothing is forever.
The least we can do is give our parents the love and care they need and crave from us.
What is an empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief parents feel after their children move out of home. This condition is mainly observed in women, being the primary carer of the child. A mother is supposedly more attached to her child physically and emotionally and tackles this vulnerable situation. Unlike the other kinds of grief, we as humans go through in our lives, such as when someone’s loved one dies grief of loneliness, and agony is observed. Whereas the grief of empty nest syndrome often goes unrecognised and at times undervalued because moving out of home for an adult child is considered normal and a healthy event. Parents after the event slowly slide into a zone of loneliness, sadness, and sometimes depression. Many times, they find a source of support and sympathy, but in many cases, the empty nest syndrome pulls the parents down as it becomes a vulnerable situation to deal with especially after the times of retirement or menopause in the case of women.
Loss of motherhood
Empty nest syndrome affects both parents, but it takes a harder turn, especially for mothers. They seem to be the most susceptible. Mothers may have dedicated 20 years of their lives to nurturing the lives of their children. Many women see motherhood as the primary objective of their lives be they homemakers or working women. From a toddler to an adult a child remains the core of a mother’s heart and the main motive of her life, but when the last she leaves the home. A mother’s life comes to a halt, and several questions come to her such as the feeling of worthlessness, disorientation, existential crisis, and a thought of an unsure future knocks at the door. However, according to research Psychologist suggests that it may take between 18 months and two years to make a successful transition from mother to independent woman. The empty nest syndrome surrounds a mother in a dark blanket of loss, loneliness, and emptiness leading to a loss of motherhood.
Some parents are more susceptible than others
Vulnerability is a phase and when not taken care of it gets worse. Some parents may be suffering the pain of the empty nest syndrome more than others and they share things in common such as:
- The sudden change creates a void. Overthinking and worries create a stressful environment making it more difficult for them to cope with the situation.
- They found moving out of home a difficult and emotional experience.
- Their marriage life is unstable or unsatisfactory.
- People who have spent full-time parenting and nurturing kids are more often affected than people who were involved in some other duties too.
- Parents who worry that their children are not ready to take responsibility as adults tend to experience more grief than others.
New challenges faced by parents
A new situation brings several new challenges into the lives of parents dealing with empty nest syndrome some of which are listed below:
Empty home syndrome: The sudden quietness, and stillness of the home make it difficult for parents to adjust slowly as sadness and loneliness take their place.
Guilt and self-blame: Some vulnerable parents may wrestle with their feelings of guilt, wondering if they have not performed or provided the best opportunity to their kids and this can lead to emotional turmoil.
Unresolved relationship issues: The long process of parenting leads them to forget their unresolved issues with themselves. After the children leave home, parents are forced to confront the underlying issues with themselves.
Technological gaps: As children leave, parents may deal with struggles to keep up with the pace of technology, and sometimes this may create a communication gap too.
Health and well-being: The stress and voidness created by the empty nest syndrome may affect parent’s physical and mental health. Some parents may neglect self-care, and overall health in the transition phase.
Coping with stress and depression
The impact empty nest syndrome has on parents needs to be taken care of here are some tips that may help:
- Acknowledge and accept, it is the first a parent should focus on. Even when you feel no one seems to understand your feelings, allow yourself to feel upset.
- Experts suggest that planting trees and decorating your child’s room can help you to come out of the feeling of remorse.
- Discuss and talk about your feelings with your spouse. Make it a daily ritual, try normalising your feelings of being sad and upset.
- Give yourself time to adjust to the new phase of life and the changes around you. Don’t expect too much from yourself, particularly in the first week and month.
- Pursue your hobbies and things you have not done for ages. New interest helps your mind to distract and generate happy feelings.
- Keep your physical being healthy, do some daily exercise, eat healthy, and get proper sleep, all these small habits impact your overall being and, in a few months, you can see a big change in yourself.
- Never hesitate to seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
How should children be aware of the situation?
Most of the children leave their home at a very young age mainly for higher education. However, after a few years, children come to an age when they develop the understanding to understand the term as well as the situation ‘empty nest syndrome’. Hence, it becomes crucial to take a step ahead and get involved with your parents emotionally. Conversation is the primary step that will help you to leap another step by sharing your experience and achievements and listening to theirs.
- Keep constant updates of their lives and share yours, calling, video calling, and sharing photos and videos to bridge your long distance with your parents.
- Support your parents financially if needed.
- Encourage them to open conversation, self-care, and take up hobbies.
- Get them involved in your personal and professional lives as much as possible.
- Empty nest syndrome becomes overwhelming for parents, so as a child, you should encourage your parents to get professional help.
How society can contribute to spreading awareness about ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’
Grief is a part of human life, and as a society we have given space to all kinds of grief and other emotions, However, sometimes some human griefs are left unrecognized and undervalued, and empty nest syndrome is one of them. As a society, we must prioritize dialogue and education as the primary step. As a community, we can launch workshop sessions, seminars, or webinars addressing the emotional; impact of children leaving home and its effect on parents’ lives. Integrating discussions about empty nest syndrome into education curricula, emphasising its normalcy and the importance of emotional well-being during life transitions. Influencers and public figures can become the face of the issue and can help engage people to understand more about the syndrome.
Conclusion
Empty nest syndrome needs to be talked about more often so that parents going through this phase and the ones who will go through this in the future can have a healthy knowledge about the issue unrecognised and undervalued. If your one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan for the day when your nest will be empty of all children. Small changes made over time will mean less of a shock when your last child moves out. You may find, with thought and careful planning, that the occasion of your last child leaving home will offer a little happiness too, as you can then implement your plans for an independent life with your spouse.
Normalizing conversation and building a more empathetic and supportive environment can help several parents deal with empty nest syndrome. Hence, as a society, we all together can try to become more vigilant, aware, and empathic to build a healthy society where the grief of all kinds is recognised and valued.
Contact Details:
Name – Preeti Yatan
LinkedIn – www.linkedin.com/in/preeti-yatan-382228245